A Cradle Catholic by adoption, I floundered through most of my childhood and high school years trying to make sense of what being Catholic meant. As a family, we went to church every Sunday and on Holy Days. But for me, God was an afterthought. A mere convenience when I needed Him to grant my many wishes—most of them going unanswered as I saw it.
In my early 20s, I fell away from the Church altogether, still believing in God, but from a distance, if not with certain disdain for the faith I had been raised up in. I explored and experimented with other practices through my late 30s (with lengthy absences in between each of those). None of it moved me, none of it filled me; and if nothing else, I knew I was in need of filling.
I believe in God. I always have. For me, there is no Other, and no other possibility of me thinking otherwise. For that reason, I have always believed in who He says He is, the Great I AM, whom, as Catholics, we call God. As such, I don’t refer to Him as “the Divine” and not as a “Higher Power.” I don’t look inside myself for “goddess theory” when I’m questioning my faith. He is God, and I trust Him implicitly.
Or do I?
The truth is, I waffle on this one. I was taught to trust him through my upbringing and all those years of CCD classes to learn Catholic doctrine. I want to say unequivocally that I do, and I’ve put a lot of time into testing the theory since coming back into the Catholic Church. But… although I’m getting better I fail on a regular basis. Through the years, God and I have had an on-again-off-again thing going, mostly because of me. Okay… it’s all me. Yep. Definitely me.
All my religious and spiritual explorations through the years got me thinking that maybe I should dig deeper into the meaning of my original Catholic faith. I joined RCIA classes in 2002 to brush up on my rusty Catholic ed and was blown away by the depth and beauty of the Church’s teaching, the Scriptures, and the regimen of scrutinizing why I wanted a serving relationship with God. I was so moved that I joined the next RCIA schedule of classes to continue my discernment. To say the floodgates were opened would be an understatement. Noah himself had to be watching over me and helping me maneuver the waters of what felt like a new baptism.
It’s been almost 15 years since I began relearning my faith, and I’m still not able to close those floodgates. This blog is about me getting my act together with my relationship with God—getting to a better understanding of the kind of trust God wants from me and how I deal with the things that try to keep me from that.